Vaporwave. Rave fashion. That squiggly triangle design. 90s nostalgia is coming until all that’s left are ageing anarchists and EXTREME product placement.

Independence Day 2 made us realise that the 90s were over 20 years ago. They’re so far away now that it’s being remixed into something cool and retro.

In a challenging world it’s tempting to retreat to the world of Fresh Prince, grunge and sticking it to “The Man” – the 90s of our memories where everything was so innocent and simple; where terrorism hadn’t been invented yet and Donald Trump was just an asshole businessman.

But as with anything, the reality never lives up to expectations. Once all the mainstays of the 90s come back you realise that all those skater rebels have kids now and your favourite PG-rated blockbuster was filled with plotholes. We never asked for these:

Blink-182

2016 is the year your favourite 90s and early 00s bands return, only without one of their pivotal members. Rage Against the Machine are being reincarnated as Prophets of Rage (sans Tom Morello) and Blink-182 have hired a new vocalist after the last one quit to go chase aliens. Their new album “California” came out on 1st July, but it lacks the energy of the bangers you used to listen to on Kerrang! All it’ll do is remind you how long ago High School was.

More Matrix Sequels

matrix-sequels

This rumour first surfaced in 2011, but was resurrected by the internet for seemingly no reason. The idea of a Matrix 4 and 5 has been floated before but so far it doesn’t seem to be in the works. The last thing the world needs is more Matrix sequels, but in a post-Independence Day: Resurgence world anything is possible.

Crystal Pepsi

crystal-pepsi

Remember the Pepsi-Cola Wars? These two brands were warring superpowers in the 90s, but like the Cold War and VHS vs Beta Max we all know there was one clear winner. At its height, the beverage wars saw gimmicks such as Crystal Pepsi, a clear version of the drink thought up at a time when “clear things” = purity and health. This year’s relaunch actually went all the way, with a rich recreation of 90s browser games on the official site. But really, who cares?

Clerks III

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGOVbXF7Iog

Kevin Smith’s Clerks was funny, Mallrats was entertaining and Dogma was a masterpiece. Then Clerks II came out. The sequel failed to catch the same essence and felt like the longest, most tedious dick joke in cinema. Now Smith seeks to recapture former glory with Clerks III in classic black & white, which will no doubt show a depressingly middle-aged Dante and Randal saddled with family life, while a 40-something Jay and Silent Bob trade marijuana for mortgages.

Bill and Ted 3

bill-and-ted

There’s another unnecessary Keanu Reeves sequel definitely in the works though. Bill and Ted were the perfect California teenage slackers, but now we’re going to have to see Alex Winter in his 50s and Keanu looking…pretty much the same. This film will also reignite the bitter loss of George Carlin’s death. Apparently the sequel’s going to be set in the UK, so expect a lot of tired jokes about afternoon tea.

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