We’ve all seen the meme going around that says “If girls all treated each other the way drunk girls do in the ladies’ toilets, the world would be a much happier place”. Damn straight. But here’s my bug bear.
Going to the ladies’ toilets has the Jekyll and Hyde effect when there hasn’t been half a bottle of tequila involved. The sound of passing wind or a wee brings more dishonor to the person in the cubicle than Mulan ever brought to her family after failing her meeting with the matchmaker – unless of course, everyone’s been drinking…
Let me set the scene. You’ve stumbled into the ladies’ toilets at All Bar One after taking full advantage of their Happy Hour to find a group of friends sat on the sinks, wiping the tears from the one poor soul who’s absolutely devastated that the lad she’s seeing has decided to #NetflixnChill with the skanky blonde down the road. The gin and tonics have been flowing and you’re feeling a bit like Graham from The Jeremy Kyle Show. You’re stood on a wealth of experience in the relationship department and this is your time to shine:.
“Honey, who even needs men anyway? You’re so much better than *insert name here* and you’re a totally solid 10 out of 10. Dry your eyes babes and let’s take a selfie.”
Or you’ve tottered out of the cubicle after having what’s felt like the best wee of your life (and breaking the seal of those two for one Mojitos) and there’s someone having a tampon catastrophe. Or their false eyelashes make them look a bit like Alex from A Clockwork Orange. You’ve got this. Your time is now. The entire contents of your evening bag are scattered across the bathroom floor in order to help your sister in her time of need. And if someone hears you go for a wee? Who gives a fuck; the world is your oyster.
But try that shit (literally) in the Asda or Selfridges ladies’ toilets during the day and you’ll be ostracised by the entire community. Who else has used a bed of toilet roll and constant toilet flushing to cover up the fact that they’ve had an *ahem* number two (sorry boys, we don’t hold ours for a monthly pellet in a field like mythology would suggest)? And when you have absolutely no other choice than to use the public toilet due to nature’s calling, you’ll find yourself in a Mexican standoff with the other women in the toilet. The world will come to an end before you exit that cubicle with other people still in the damn toilet. They heard and smelt what you did. They know your secrets.
Ladies, I think it’s time we end the toilet stigma! In the brash face of sobriety and toilet use, it’s time we abolish the embarrassment and fear of our own natural bodily functions. Next time you go to a public restroom, I want you to think of Charlie Chaplin’s epic speech at the end of The Great Dictator:
“We all want to help one another, human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery. The way of life can be free and beautiful.”
Paraphrased obviously. We’re not running a country here. Just going for a poo.