So, as you’re all aware the highly anticipated John Lewis Christmas advert has been released and it’s left people with their hearts growing three sizes bigger in their Facebook status. The basic premise of the John Lewis Advert – that none of us will bother to utilise Ad Block for because we all love John Lewis so damn much – sees a young girl looking through a telescope to see a lonely old man living on the moon.

She watches him and tries to get his attention from her bedroom window, 238,900 miles away and surprisingly has no luck. Darn. So, as the festive period looms ahead she sees just how lonely he is and sends him a present via a load of balloons, because nobody should be left out at Christmas.

These balloons can somehow achieve the same escape velocity as 260,000 gallons of rocket fuel and make it to the Moon on a perfect orbital trajectory avoiding all space debris and satellites. This is backed by Norwegian teenager, Aurora’s cover of Oasis’ “Half A World Away.”

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Why did NASA bother with all this when they could just get Armstrong to the Moon with party balloons?

I’ll be the first to admit that the advert is cute as hell. It made me smile. But here’s what bothers me about it:

Firstly, it is all about giving and receiving presents and really has nothing to do with the real reason that Christmas is celebrated.  Legend suggests it is a religious celebration of Jesus being born. But now the damn John Lewis advert has become a huge part of Christmas with their manipulative use of children, penguins, and cover songs about love, joy and fucking candy floss. Further to this, John Lewis is a corporation with the aim of making money, so do you really think that they would actually give a shit about someone being alone on Christmas? And why are we relying on the children to sort it out?

Secondly, HE IS BREATHING IN SPACE. I don’t care if this is just an advert, PEOPLE CANNOT BREATHE IN SPACE, SO SHE HAS SENT A DAMN PRESENT TO A HYBRID HUMAN-ALIEN THING. WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT?

Finally, we are going to tune into every radio station or walk into any shop or supermarket in the UK and that damn song will be playing over and over again, making my ears bleed and my eyes cry. That is all.

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