In 1996, young people’s toilet habits were to take an unexpected turn for the better with the release of the un-put-down-able Gameboy great: Pokémon Red & Blue (or Green, if you happen to be Japanese). Since that fateful day, the Pokémon brand has exploded onto every subsequent Nintendo handheld console, and is still eating into our toilet time today.
For those of you who think Pokémon is just a stupid game with no substance or long-term worth, I ask you to cast thine eyes upon yonder list; a list bursting with lessons many of us learnt about real life just from bashing the A and B buttons of a small, plastic rectangle whilst pooping.
Life Lessons, as delivered by Pokémon Red & Blue
1 – If someone offers you anything they’re calling ‘rare candy’, it’s definitely an illegal muscle enhancement drug
3 – The life philosophy: ‘Gotta catch ’em all’ is undoubtedly one to follow no matter what aspect of life you’re referring to…
5 – Badge collecting is a bloody serious business. It’s basically the only true measure of your social status and career progression (unless you’re something rubbish like a nurse or supermarket chain owner…pfft…)
7 – Going to gyms frequently is the only way to succeed in life
9 – Having a Good Rod and Great Balls will really help you progress in life
11 – If you’re walking through waist-high grass, make sure to have your balls in your hand at all times
13 – Evolution. It’s all about improved stats and strength, not natural selection – stupid Darwin…
15 – A cool way to name your pets is by figuring out what they look like, and simply reversing the word, such as Ekans for your snake, Arbok for your cobra, and Muk…
17 – Walking diagonally is overrated
19 – Giving your beloved pets to your mate in exchange for theirs is actively encouraged, and by no means mentally or emotionally scarring for the animals involved
Adam blacked out…