Pokémon

In 1996, young people’s toilet habits were to take an unexpected turn for the better with the release of the un-put-down-able Gameboy great: Pokémon Red & Blue (or Green, if you happen to be Japanese). Since that fateful day, the Pokémon brand has exploded onto every subsequent Nintendo handheld console, and is still eating into our toilet time today.

For those of you who think Pokémon is just a stupid game with no substance or long-term worth, I ask you to cast thine eyes upon yonder list; a list bursting with lessons many of us learnt about real life just from bashing the A and B buttons of a small, plastic rectangle whilst pooping.

Life Lessons, as delivered by Pokémon Red & Blue

1 – If someone offers you anything they’re calling ‘rare candy’, it’s definitely an illegal muscle enhancement drug

2 – What your parents told you about talking to strangers is so true, especially if you’re just wanting to head home for some Netflix and chill…Pokémon

3 – The life philosophy: ‘Gotta catch ’em all’ is undoubtedly one to follow no matter what aspect of life you’re referring to…

4 – Using ‘harden’ too many times in one day will always result in failure and embarrassmentPokémon

5 – Badge collecting is a bloody serious business. It’s basically the only true measure of your social status and career progression (unless you’re something rubbish like a nurse or supermarket chain owner…pfft…)

6 – If you meet a sweet girl walking her pet in the woods, letting your pet beat the living snot out of hers and taking her pocket money is totally acceptable behaviourPokémon

7 – Going to gyms frequently is the only way to succeed in life

8 – It’s probably better that our parents name our pets, and that it’s not left to us to make that decisionPokémon

9 – Having a Good Rod and Great Balls will really help you progress in life

10 – Unless given one as a gift, you probably shouldn’t ever hope to be able to afford a bicyclePokémon

11 – If you’re walking through waist-high grass, make sure to have your balls in your hand at all times

12 – Exclamation marks after every sentence you say makes for a more dramatic existencePokémon

13 – Evolution. It’s all about improved stats and strength, not natural selection – stupid Darwin…

14 – Lemonade and Soda Pop boast greater health benefits than WaterPokémon

15 – A cool way to name your pets is by figuring out what they look like, and simply reversing the word, such as Ekans for your snake, Arbok for your cobra, and Muk…

16 – Spending too much time messing about with QR Codes will destroy your entire lifePokémon

17 – Walking diagonally is overrated

18 – Playing musical instruments loudly when people are sleeping will result in you getting shankedPokémon

19 – Giving your beloved pets to your mate in exchange for theirs is actively encouraged, and by no means mentally or emotionally scarring for the animals involved

20 – Pokémon knew Nicki Minaj was cool before Nicki Minaj was cool (note: Nicki Minaj isn’t cool)Pokémon

If you’re still not convinced that Pokémon adds value to the lives of those who play it, please send your complaints to Simon, who set me this Friday Challenge.

Adam blacked out…

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