It’s happened. We’re now getting so f**ked by the housing market that it’s a real porn genre.

For the millennial generation porn has become blasé. Gone are the days when straightforward scenarios cut it; after the advent of the internet we can use porn to live out whatever outrageous and inaccessible fantasy we wish, such as banging a celebrity, being eaten by a giant woman or…being a home owner apparently.

Recently VICE highlighted a channel called PropertySex, which peddles 2 scenarios: imagine yourself as either a first time buyer taking advantage of a sexy estate agent (every authority position in porn is played by a sexy woman, unlike in real life), or as a landlord collecting some “rent” from a desperate tenant.

I see titles such as “Fuck me on camera or your bubble butt is evicted” and I see the increasing power divide between tenant and landlord writ large; it’s the same attitude behind ridiculous listings such as this £560 a month bed in a cupboard, or the metaphorical fucking of house buyers with average prices of £284,000 and a mortgage that’ll have you paying twice that.

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Not the kind of hole you want in the bedroom.

We see more unscrupulous landlords repeatedly pushing the boundaries of what’s acceptable or trying to trick us into giving up more of us than we wanted to – our time, our disposable income, and our dignity – and in PropertySex’s world they can even take our genitals.

Or perhaps you’d rather be a buyer who can somehow afford a new build without having sold your soul to the devil? Why not “sweeten the deal” with the aforementioned sexy real estate agent, who for some reason always seems to be one of those “clueless millennials” you can just blackmail into the deed. Good luck with that in real life pal, there’s actually a shortage of housing stock; she’ll just move on to the next prospective buyer.

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“Sir, I don’t believe that’s in the contract”

If all you wanted to see was sex you could go to any scenario. This is escapism of a different kind. For 10 minutes you can imagine yourself as someone who doesn’t live in a box room in their parents’ house, with power and possessions you probably won’t be able to have before you’re 67 (if you actually save money, that is).

I’ve seen the future, and it’s a warehouse full of millennials in their rent-a-pods wearing VR headsets jacking off to a fantasy of their virtual four-bedroom property in a reasonably priced neighbourhood; by that time they’ll have gotten rid of the penises and vaginas altogether and it’ll just be one of those 360 real estate tours. Buy Premium for the full hardcore white picket fence experience, it’s not like you were going to save enough for a real mortgage.

Our fantasies have been severely downgraded. We used to watch MTV Cribs and imagine living in rockstar mansions with private beaches, cinema rooms, swimming pools and live-in pole dancers…

Reminder that 50 cent’s mansion has a penis on it

Now the best we can dream up is a bungalow and a blowjob.

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