I’m an avid wearer of contact lenses and have been for years. There are roughly three million people who wear contact lenses in the UK, and every single one of you will understand the struggles of choosing to wear contact lenses.
1. Taking your contact lenses out before finding your glasses.
It’s been a long day and you’ve just taken the damn things out, and have just heard your eyes sigh in relief. But now, you have to find your glasses. They’re downstairs you say? Hello, heart attack from near death experiences of trying to find them… Repeat 3 to 4 times a week.
2. Sleeping with them in, drunk.
You’ve just woken up in your bed, in yesterday’s clothes, spooning the half eaten kebab from the night before. Everything’s a bit hazy but your vision is crystal clear. Then there’s the 10 second excitement dance of thinking you have been magically cured! Until the horrific hangover AND what feels like a million tiny shards of glass in your eyes kick in and you immediately regret every decision from the night before.
3. Wearing your lenses for longer than you’re supposed to.
Ah, only wear these for a 30 days you advise? 37 days later, achievement unlocked. However, I blame the opticians for their terrible maths. In what universe will four pairs of monthly contact lenses last for six months? Now I’m no genius but I am pretty sure that doesn’t work. Secondly, if they didn’t decide to jump to their demise every damn time I tried to put them in AS INSTRUCTED BY A PROFESSIONAL, then this probably wouldn’t even be an issue. Especially if they gave the right amount of lenses. But it is. And I don’t like it.
4. Dropping them on the floor
One minute they’re on the anything but perilous journey from finger to eye and then all of a sudden; MAN DOWN, A LENSE HAS BEEN LOST, I REPEAT, A LENSE HAS BEEN LOST. Queue the search and rescue mission of getting on all fours and blindly searching for the fallen soldier amongst the abyss that is all other random crap on your floor.
5. Finding an old lost contact lense
There’s nothing like finding an old shrivelled up contact lense you lost in battle, a week, two weeks or a month ago *shudders*. At the time of the escape, you did the shameful hands and knees panic search to find it, but between its chameleon techniques and your semi-blindness, it camouflaged so well.
6. Person tries your glasses on “Wow, you really can’t see! I thought these were fake!”
Oh am I? I didn’t realise that everything I see without visual paraphernalia was blurry. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m really just wearing these for fun. Oh and so everyone can take them off and try them on. I am quite literally wearing these as I am a walking hazard without them. Don’t ask me what you look like in them, because you’re wearing my glasses, and I can’t f*****g see. Full-time glasses wearers will also understand this idiocy.
7. Air conditioning and wind.
Basically Dementors to a contact lense; sucking all the moisture and happiness away and leaving nothing but pain and a hollow memory of clear vision. Optrexo Patronum!
8. Spontaneous Napping.
Naps are an essential in life. After a nap you wake up feeling refreshed and ready. If you’ve had a nap with the lenses in, please leave aside 20 minutes of furious blinking and eye rubbing to sort out the movement and unsticking of eyelids, regretting said nap. Naps have to be planned for full enjoyment and to avoid excruciating pain.
9. “Why don’t you just get eye laser surgery?”
You don’t like your nose you say? How would you like it if I just replied, “Get a nose job!” And when we’ve been told for years not to look at the sun or shine lasers into anyone’s eyes, I’ll go pay £700 to do exactly this; stare directly into a hot burning laser. NO.
10. Constantly moaning about lenses, but still wearing them.
Like playing the ominous ring of fire at pre-drinks, you both love and hate wearing contact lenses. You will moan about how much you hate it throughout but continuously participate and secretly love every second of it, piling through. It’s a never-ending cycle. Rinse the lenses and repeat.